


Eviler Than Thou

by Rowan_Rites



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit Sanders - Freeform, Disturbing Themes, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inappropriate Behavior, M/M, Manipulation, Original Character(s), References to Depression, Remus Sanders - Freeform, Self-Hatred, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 18:14:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20952761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rowan_Rites/pseuds/Rowan_Rites
Summary: Thomas and the Sides meet an eclectic bunch: Rowan and their own sides! But during a movie night, something goes terribly wrong, and Rowan loses one of their sides. But maybe the group should be more worried for the safety of those who took him...





	1. A Disappointing Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> This is REALLY self indulgent, lol. Self-inserts and total nonsense abound.

It was a brisk day in the quiet town of Eaton. The wind was blowing just enough to be pleasant, but not enough to bother the perfect hair of our first star. Harlow’s cloak wasn’t exactly subtle, so he had borrowed on of Bones’ hoodies (of course, it was covered in Jack Skellington).

As he stood waiting for his online order at the local café, scrolling through his phone, he felt eyes on him. Raising an eyebrow, he scanned the area and met the gaze of a man sitting at one of the small tables near the door. Harlow smirked and slid into the seat across from the man. “Hope you don’t mind me being a little bold, but I feel like you don’t mind that. Noticed you eyeing me over here and I wanted to put a name to the face you were looking at. I’m Harlow!” he said cheerfully, extending a hand for a handshake as a wide grin expanded the slight smirk dancing across his face.

The man smiled warmly, taking his hand and shaking it firmly. With a flourish of his hand and a quirk of his eyebrow, the man said, “I am Roman, the most handsome and fearless prince in all the land! I’ve vanquished many a foe, and all beasts and villains fear me and my mighty sword!” The man quickly switched to a goofy grin, resting his chin on his hands and his elbows on the table. “And I wanted to ask where you got that hoodie; it’s so cute and I LOVE Disney.”

Harlow laughed a bit. “Let me text my babe and ask him if he can remember while I grab my order!”

When he sat back down, Bones still hadn’t answered. “He might be working through a tough moment… I tell you what, if you’d like I can give you my number and let you know when I get home!”

Roman’s face switched to one of mild concern. “A tough moment? Anything that needs slaying? I’d be happy to help!”

Harlow’s brow furrowed as he kept scrolling around his phone. “Maybe… None of our roommates aren’t responding either. Usually I would know if something was up. I might actually have to run.”

Roman’s brave grin resurfaced. “Well. It’s been a while since I’ve helped slay any dangerous beasts!”

Harlow stood up, shoving his phone back into his pocket. “Well. Demons a familiar threat?”

“Slain hundreds!” Roman replied, jumping out of his seat and grabbing his backpack.

Harlow made his way out of the café, and Roman was right beside him. “So, uh, full disclosure: I’m a necromancer. Raise the dead for fun and profit and all that fun stuff. My boyfriend is too, he’s just WAY more kind and ‘moral’ about it, y’know? He may have just tried to be too nice to the wrong spirit or something,” Harlow explained.

“Oh my goodness! The poor thing could be injured... We must rescue your darling posthaste!” Roman cried, and began to run forward.

“Oh, no, it’s right here! We both walk fast, nice,” Harlow said. He frowned at the quiet house. “Nothing seems to be wrong…” Suddenly there was a crash within the house, followed by the shriek of fire alarms. “There’s the chaos I know and love! Let’s go,” Harlow said, pulling a small dagger out of his waistband.

Harlow unlocked the door. Almost instantly, the two were poised in the doorway, Roman with a sword gripped firmly in both hands and Harlow with a dagger and his . Both had confident grins on their faces.

A voice came from above them. “Oh, hey Harlow. Glad you’re back. Who’s your friend?”

Harlow groaned, lowering his dagger. “Vanna, stop ruining dramatic entrances! I thought you weren’t gonna be here for a week!”

Laying upside down at the top of stairs was a creature with sharp teeth, scales everywhere, and no eyes. Their ears, long and floppy, were pinned to their head with a beanie. A slight smirk crossed their face.

“Fun to see you get all whiny. But seriously. Who is sword guy?”

“Nevermind that; where’s Bones? Why didn’t you answer your phone?” Harlow asked.

“Oh. I forgot it. I’ve been here for an hour or so, listening to Bones and Switch singing and baking. You were gone a while for errands,” Vanna responded.

“Where’s Rowan?” Harlow replied with a frown.

“Right here,” Roman replied, “Though you said my name wrong; it’s an M.”

“No no, my uh… The one who keeps us somewhat in line,” Harlow replied. “Rowan.”

“Rowan went out back to garden,” Vanna replied.

“But… That crash…” Harlow said, slowly sheathing his dagger.

“Rowan dropped a pot. Or Switch broke another chandelier; we should really stop getting those and just put up a smaller light.”

“The smoke alarms?” Roman replied slowly.

“Bones opened the oven and there was some gunk on the bottom; you know how sensitive the alarm is. Sorry, heroes. Fresh out of distressed damsels or troubled gentlemen. You could help me get up now without falling down the stairs,” Vanna replied. “I’m sorta stuck like this.”

Harlow groaned. “Sorry for dragging you here for nothing, Roman. Sucks, too; I was looking to kill some bad guys,” he said, climbing the stairs and helping Vanna to their feet.

Roman sadly sheathed his sword. “Well, I suppose it gives us the opportunity to ask your boyfriend about the hoodie in person,” he said.

Harlow and Roman entered the kitchen, Vanna following behind. The kitchen was filled with the smell of brownies, bread, and other delicious baked goods. Swing music was playing, and a young man with shock white hair and piercing blue eyes was dancing a bit as he turned off ovens and turned to a mixing bowl to whip of some icing for the cookies.

He looked up to see Harlow and Roman. “Oh! Hello! You’re back!” Harlow caught Bones jumping at him for a hug. Harlow smiled, a wide and warm smile, as he picked Bones up and spun him around once before setting him down. Bones was practically glowing as he turned to Roman. “Hello! I’m Bones! Gosh, if Harlow had told me he was gonna bring a friend home, I would’ve made sure things were cleaned up in here and something was cool enough to eat!”

“Oh no, no worries! I came to help vanquish whatever foes may have plagued you! But it seems there’s nothing here to slay,” Roman replied, seeming a bit disappointed.

Bones gave Harlow a look, and Harlow shrugged innocently. “You didn’t answer your phone, and I got worried. So I brought my new friend. By the way, where did you get this hoodie?”

“Disney store at the mall. This was the last one they had, but it’s also online!” Bones replied.

“Oh, spectacular! Wonderful news. I hadn’t seen it there before,” Roman said, perking up a bit at the idea of finding the hoodie somewhere.

Bones grinned. “They usually make a lot more of those things around Halloween. Always good to check during different seasons!” he said. “I’m sorry you came all this way to fight stuff and now you can’t… Let me make it up to you! Come to our movie night tomorrow; it’ll be fun! Bring any friends you want. It’s a Halloween movie marathon!”

“Are we SURE Rowan’s chill with that?” Vanna asked, cramming a cookie into their mouth as they spoke.

“I’m positive. They love talking to people. It’ll be great! No pressure at all. But we will have LOTS of snacks and beanbags, and Vanna is turning the space under the stairs into a hideout for anyone who would rather talk than watch movies,” Bones said.

Roman blinked in surprise. “That sounds like fun! I’ll see if the others would like to come,” he said, seeming immediately excited again.

Bones bounced on his toes excitedly. “Yay! I can’t wait. The more the merrier!” he said.

“Absolutely!” Roman agreed. His phone buzzed, and he checked it quickly. “Oh dear. I should get going. It was a pleasure meeting all of you!”

As he ran out, a person with curly purple and blue hair walked into the kitchen. “Finally found a good replacement for a pot I broke. What’s going on in here?” they asked, brushing bangs out of their eyes after washing their hands.

“Bones just turned tomorrow night into a party with complete and total strangers and hasn’t even realized it,” Vanna said. “I’m going to go out and get you something nice and casual to wear. Get that contour fixed up after your shower tomorrow.”


	2. Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> logan in flannel

The next day, Bones was wearing a black cat onesie and excitedly standing by the door. Vanna was laying on a beanbag, their body draped dramatically backward. “Did you tell him a time?” they asked, rolling off to wander into the kitchen. 

“Oh! Oh my god, I didn’t. What if he was here earlier when we all went to get sodas? What if he’s not coming for another hour? What if-” 

A hand patted Bones’ shoulder. “It’s okay. Maybe something came up. We’ll leave the light on. It’s almost time to get started, unless they want to spend the night. We’re gonna watch Over The Garden Wall first; come and sit down,” Switch said gently. 

Bones sighed. “Okay…” 

And then there was a knock at the door. Rowan went to stand next to Bones, and Switch quietly tucked himself into Vanna’s quiet spot beneath the stairs. 

Bones lit up as he pulled the door open. Roman stood at the front, wearing a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt depicting a crown atop the words “Royal Pain”, and wolf slippers. “Bones! So good to see you! I brought my roommates. And we all brought a little something; I brought muffins!” he said cheerfully, giving Bones a sidehug as he walked in, then headed to the kitchen to set the muffins down. 

Next was a man in a simple button-down blue flannel PJ shirt and matching flannel sleep pants. He looked through his wide glasses at Bones for a moment, then held out his hand to shake. “Hello. I’m Logan. You must be Bones. Thank you for your invitation. This will surely be a very fun night. May I ask why you are named Bones?” he asked curiously. 

Bones shook his hand, chuckling nervously. “U-um…” 

Rowan rested an elbow on Bones’ arm and shook Logan’s hand after Bones. “Name’s Rowan! Pleasure to have you in our home. You’ve got trail mix! Sensible choice,” they said. 

Logan raised up the large tupperware container in his hand. “Well, yes, it’s important to have some healthy options when one elects to mindlessly eat all night while watching childish cartoons and movies,” he said blandly. 

“Logan…” a voice behind Logan said, gently nudging him. 

Logan sighed. “My apologies. I would have preferred not to come, but I was told there would be some stimulating conversation as well. I am excited to meet you both, truly,” he clarified. He adjusted his glasses as he walked off. 

Behind Logan was a man in simple sweats and a plain white t-shirt. “Hope it’s okay we’re all in PJs. We were worried we’d end up falling asleep here. I’m Thomas!” he said. He held out his hand and shook Bones and Rowan’s hands. “And I’m sorry about Logan. He thought it would’ve been better to stay home and work. Roman was mostly what convinced him.” 

“No worries; I get that. Thanks for coming! Movies start in about 10 minutes; just get comfy and all that,” Rowan replied. 

Thomas held up a covered dish of cheese dip, with a bag of tortilla chips balanced on top. “So, where’s the kitchen?” he asked. 

Rowan walked with Thomas to the kitchen, doing some other introductions as they walked. Behind Thomas was a man in a ragged purple shirt, a patchwork black and purple hoodie, and dark jeans. He was holding nothing but a box of Starbucks coffee. “Hey. What are we watching tonight?” 

“First it’s Over The Garden Wall, then The Addams Family movie - the older one- and Addams Family Values, and then we’re finishing it all off with The Nightmare Before Christmas,” Bones replied. 

“Sweet. Name’s Virgil. Brought coffee. I’ll follow them,” he said, gesturing after Rowan and Thomas. Then he walked off. 

At the end of the line was a man in a light grey cat onesie, holding a carafe full of what smelled like cider under his arm and a covered plate of pumpkin bread in the same hand. He took Bones’ hand and shook it excitedly, a grin making his eyes shine behind his glasses. “Hi! I’m Patton! Thank you SO much for inviting us all; I’m so excited to be here!” he said. “I LOVE your cat onesie!” 

Bones grinned widely. “Thank you! I love yours too! Okay, I’ll show you to the kitchen and then we can start the movies!” he said. 

Vanna listened to the two walk off, talking and complimenting each other. Then they closed and locked the front door before heading to their space under the stairs. 

The others clambered onto the couch. Bones and Patton sat right next to each other, giggling and babbling excitedly. Thomas and Rowan sat next to each other, talking quietly as Rowan flipped to find the first part of their marathon. Harlow sat between Bones and Rowan, holding a bowl of popcorn on his lap. 

Logan sat on the far end of the couch, watching for a while. Over The Garden was, after all, a rather interesting show. But, after a bit, he sighed and glanced around, noticing the lights under the stairs. He got up and headed to the space. 


	3. Talking It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this part is sorta just explaining the differences between all characters. I've been having fun writing this, especially because it's just fun to see how different people would "partition" themselves in a way. It's cool.

Virgil watched the show for a while. He wanted to stay longer and have fun, but his nerves were getting to him. Between sitting on the floor and his friends busy talking to strangers, Virgil was left feeling a bit isolated. Finally, hoping to calm down, Virgil snuck out after Logan. As he sat down in the space under the stairs, he was met with two somewhat terrifying characters. 

First, there was Vanna. They had taken off their beanie, revealing floppy horse-like ears covered in scales. Black spines flopped sideways on their head, too heavy to stand up alone. They were wearing a fuzzy black hoodie and track pants, with raven-patterned socks on their feet. “Hey. Get tired of the movies?” they asked. 

Virgil nodded slowly as he slowly moved his gaze to the other stranger in the little space. With long, carefully folded legs and arms, an untied tie underneath the popped collar of his button-down shirt, and a working older style TV where his head should be, the man was deep in conversation with Logan. 

“Don’t worry about rabbit ears there,” Vanna said quietly. “Virgil, right? Heard you say it earlier to Bones.” 

“Yeah,” Virgil said, shoving his hands into his hoodie pockets and glancing at Vanna before he glanced at everything else. Logan was sitting with his fingers steepled in front of his face as Switch spoke. “... Of course, this theory equates the Beast to depression, rather than to Satan,” he said, a few clips of the Beast flashing across his screen. 

“An interesting theory, to be sure…” Logan said. “Fascinating. Now this-” and the two kept talking. 

Suddenly Virgil jumped. A scaly hand was holding an earbud out in his direction. “You like music? I dunno if you’re into it, but 90s grunge is my personal jam. We’ll alternate who’s picking songs; I’ll leave my phone unlocked,” Vanna said. 

The two ended up laying down so their heads were closer to each other. Switch and Logan continued talking, a soothing sound. The flickering lights of the TV in the other room, along with occasional outbursts of laughter, gave a very relaxed feel to the warm and cozy space they were in. Vanna dozed off once or twice, being gently prodded awake by Switch without any lapse in conversation. Suddenly, Logan and Switch’s conversation stopped as they looked at the other two. “Switch, you have to use words. I’m blind, remember? Screens do nothing for me,” Vanna sighed. 

“You’re the physical representation of a specific part of Rowan’s psyche and personality. Correct? You all are,” Logan said, an eyebrow raised. 

Vanna sat up so fast they slammed their face into the wall their knees were pressed against. “Ow, ugh. What? Switch, what did you tell him?” they hissed. 

“I told him nothing. Nor did he tell me anything specific. It’s a conclusion we both came to,” Switch explained. 

“Wait. What?” Virgil said, pulling out his earbud. 

“They’re sides. Like we are to Thomas, but to Rowan. This is fascinating,” Logan said. “So, I would imagine you are all a bit different in your division than we are.” 

“Well, yes. You said you were logic, the voice of reason, the drive to make schedules and be on time and such,” Switch said. 

“Essentially,” Logan replied. 

“Well, that explains why we get along. I’m Rowan’s ‘voice of reason’ in essence. My secondary function is that of a barrier, or a mask of sorts, in certain situations that require that Rowan pretend in any way. I’m the filter that keeps them from cussing in front of small children, the thing that avoids coming out as queer in front of homophobic grandparents, and the smile they always wear at their job in retail sales. It’s a workout. In other words: I’m common sense with a twist of deception,” Switch explained. 

“Rowan sees themselves different than Thomas. Real different. That makes sense,” Virgil said slowly. “So… I guess… I can’t assume this or anything, but do they have anxiety?” 

“Yes, actually. That would be represented by Bones. Rowan spent so long avoiding addressing their anxiety and overlooking it as ‘just another emotion’ that they now lump it in. Bones is Rowan’s emotions, kindness, and selflessness, but also their anxiety, fears, and self-doubt,” Switch explained. 

“Oh my god.” Vanna laid back down, holding their forehead. “This is freaking crazy. I didn’t think- Bruh. This is crazy.” 

“I’m curious… What do you represent, Vanna?” Logan asked. 

Switch’s screen flicked to a nervous emoji. “Ah. They, er-” 

“Nah, nah. Nothing to lose by telling the man,” they said. “I represent their style and tastes. Music, clothing, food, books, all that. I’m also depression,” Vanna explained. “I represent all the things carrying Ro to where they want to go, and the reason they keep going. But, ironically, I’m also the one who wonders if it’s really worth it.” 

Logan and Virgil exchanged a look. “What’s Harlow, then?” 

“Oh, goodness, he’s something else is what he is… Harlow is creativity. The inspiration, the eye for beauty in all things and good in everyone. The artist, the poet, the writer,” Switch said. “He makes my job more pleasant by adding some of Rowan’s personality to the barriers and shields I give them,” Switch said. “He’s obnoxiously bright and energetic some days. And that’s coming from a man who runs a radio talk show and a podcast.” 

“But then there’s the days that he’s Rowan’s self-destructive tendencies, like watching or reading things that they know will really upset them. Or intentionally aggravating their anxiety with unsolved mystery videos at ten o’clock at night. Which, of course… That doesn’t exist without me. Like Switch doesn’t exist without Bones as anxiety. Harlow gets really bad on his bad days, but they are few and far between,” Vanna said. 

“... Damn,” Virgil said quietly. "Cool stuff." 


	4. And I Oop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haha oof

The four continued talking late into the night. Bones and Patton were asleep by the time Rowan started The Nightmare Before Christmas. By then, the four under the stairs clambered out with some difficulty and piled on and around the couch, careful to not wake Bones or Patton. 

Logan sat next to Thomas, and quietly explained their discovery. “Oh. Sorry buddy, but… We kinda already talked about that,” Thomas said. 

“Yeah, I asked where he found these crazies and told me that these crazies are him. And so I said ‘oh worm? same’ and that was about it,” Rowan explained. “Glad y’all caught on quickly, though.” 

Logan frowned and crossed his arms, a bit miffed about not being the one to tell Thomas about the new discovery. Roman and Harlow took to singing some of the songs from the movie, Rowan and Thomas joining in occasionally. Switch listened, recording a few snippets of their voices. Virgil and Vanna were laying side-by-side on the floor, on their backs with legs on the couch cushions. No earbuds this time; Virgil was enjoying the movie and Vanna was enjoying the music. Logan watched, seeming content that everyone was getting along so well.

Just as Jack Skellington was shot out of the sky during his Christmas joy ride, Thomas and his sides stiffened. Patton jolted awake, waking Bones up as he did. “What… What’s wrong…?” Bones asked, rubbing his eyes. 

“Nothing! It’s nothing!” Virgil said forcefully. “Right, Thomas?” 

“Yeah. Uh… Nothing at all,” Thomas said. 

Switch and Harlow turned and looked at Thomas. A question mark appeared on Switch’s screen, a silent query. 

Logan began to speak, but was cut off by Patton saying, “Really! We’re all okay here! Look, it’s Virgil’s favorite part! Let’s just watch the movie.” 

“We really shouldn’t ignore this, Patton. You know that. Especially considering Harlow’s function; he may be able to assist us in resolving the problem,” Logan said softly. 

Virgil shifted to pull his hood up. Vanna jabbed an elbow into Switch’s leg. With a sigh, Switch snapped and stood up. The lights came on, the movie paused, and the others shifted a bit uncomfortably. “Rowan, I leave the floor to you.” 

“You good, Thomas? Look a little uncomfy,” Rowan said slowly. 

“Uh… Yeah… I’d rather not talk about it,” Thomas said. “I’m still getting used to admitting it all to myself. 

“Oh, worm. I get that, man. But bottling it up won’t help anyone, least of all you. Maybe you just met me, but I get having stuff in your head you don’t wanna talk about. Just know I’m here to listen, or to just chill while you sort it all out. Cool?”

Thomas nodded slowly, smiling a bit. Everyone but Harlow and Switch relaxed as they watched the last little bit of the movie. The two exchanged a look before settling back in to watch the movie. 

As the end credits rolled, Logan checked his watch. “Hm. It’s a good thing we don’t have any big social engagements tomorrow… However, it’s getting a bit late to be driving safely,” Logan said. 

“Y’all could stay the night. There’s enough couches and beanbags. We could all sleep in here so no one feels guilty about kicking someone else off a bed or something,” Rowan suggested. 

“Cuddle pile?” Bones asked, perking up a bit. 

Vanna snorted. “As if you hadn’t already started one. I’m gonna get a few more blankets and some plushies,” they said, limbs flying as they shoved themselves off the couch. “Care to help me out, Virge?” 

Virgil shrugged and followed as Vanna made their way up the stairs. As they came to Vanna’s room, Virgil saw them visibly relax. “Hoo. That’s more like it…” they sighed. 

Virgil took the room in quickly as he helped drag bean bag chairs downstairs. Fairy lights were wrapped around the room, probably for the benefit of anyone entering the room. The bed was a mess of pillows and blankets and stuffed animals. There was a desk on the opposite side of the room, covered in simple tape recorders and various bottles and vials. “You into chemistry or something?” Virgil asked. 

Vanna snorted. “If mixing different magical items and sacred ashes is considered chemistry, then hell yeah. Nah, it’s magic. Though that’s just misunderstood science, really,” they said. “The tape recorders are for notes I take while I work. It’s really effective since I can just leave them running. Hands-free and all that jazz,” they replied. 

Virgil turned and studied Vanna. Although they were blind, Virgil knew they were aware of his gaze as they carefully chose which plushies to grab. Although this side of Rowan wasn’t particularly like Virgil, he felt like they had some sort of unspoken understanding. A camaraderie that, while he didn’t understand, was sort of refreshing. 

“You can ask about it instead of staring,” Vanna said, sounding resigned. 

“What?” Virgil asked. 

“The scales. Or the ears. The lack of eyes. Whatever it is that’s making you stare,” Vanna said. 

“Oh. Oh! God, no, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t staring cuz of that. I zoned out. I was… Um. I was just thinking that your scales are cool,” Virgil replied. 

Vanna stopped. That seemed to confuse them. “Well. Thanks. Uh… You want my bat plush? He smells like jasmine cuz Bones dropped a whole bottle of the stuff on him one time,” they said, offering the plushie to Virgil with a smile. 

As Virgil took the fragrant stuffed bat, there was a shout downstairs, then an odd dial-up sound. Vanna’s head whipped around. “That was Switch,” they said. The two sides took off down the stairs, Vanna tumbling a bit down the last few before Virgil grabbed their jacket and kept them from face planting. They were met with a tall and lanky man, Switch slung over one shoulder and Harlow knocked unconscious at his feet. He was threatening Roman with a mace, grinning. His black outfit and green accents were complemented by purple eyeshadow. “Oh, hey there, Hot Topic!~ Heard we have some new friends. A certain scaly friend of mine and I were _especially_ interested in the darker ones. So I picked Radiohead here first!” 

“Remus! Put him DOWN!” Virgil growled. 

Vanna pulled a rock out of their pocket. “I swear to god, I will blow you into oblivion if you don’t put him down…” 

“Woah, woah. Remus, is it? Poetic name, by the way. Um. Can you NOT kidnap my voice of reason? Please?” Rowan said, raising a hand. 

“Is THAT what you think he is? Oh, that’s funny. From what I heard, he’s a little more like…” and here Remus paused, giving a sly grin to Patton. Or what looked like Patton. 

“He has been awfully quiet here…” Logan commented. 

“Deceit! Show yourself!” Thomas shouted. 

Suddenly Patton wasn’t Patton. He was a man in a thick cloak and a bowler hat, scales and snake eye now revealed. He smiled smugly. “Well, well. Nicely done, Thomas. Patton left for the kitchen twenty minutes ago with your new little friend… Bones, was it? So hard to distract those two. Really, they’re just _ so _ focused,” he said with a chuckle. 

“What the hell do you want with Switch?” Vanna growled, an animal sound mixed with the human words. 

“Oh, only the most violent of things,” Deceit said, rolling his eyes. “Things like tea, pleasant conversation, a quiet evening, perhaps letting Remus discuss his ideas a bit. You know. The most deadly I can dredge up.” 

Remus frowned. “I thought we were going to rip his wiring out and see if we could make him dance. Like Ratatouille!” 

“That’s… Disgusting,” Thomas said, sounding like he was ready to gag. 

“Oh, that’s just the start! Then we were going to see if we could reprogram him to act like a dolphin!” Remus added. 

“That’s… Why? The fuck?” Rowan asked. 

“Funsies!” Remus singsonged. He then began to sink out, smacking Switch’s ass as he went. “Well, see you later!” 

Deceit rolled his eyes and sank out as well. “It’s been _ such _ a pleasure meeting you all. We should definitely do it again sometime,” he said with a sigh. 

“NO!” Rowan shouted. They dove forward, but it was too late. 

Bones and Patton ran in. “Oh god… It was a trick!” Bones cried. 

“Was it Deceit again?” Patton asked. 

“Yeah… Looks like now the others have taken to stealing someone else’s sides… Just no keeping yourself in check, huh Thomas?” Virgil growled. 

“This was not within Thomas’ control. All of this likely was alluded to by Thomas’ earlier thought, followed by lying about it. Harlow and Switch felt it, which meant they were a threat,” Logan explained. 

“And since we’re all figments of Rowan or Thomas’ imagination… It’s possible to kidnap us. There’s some crazy weird implications there…” Vanna commented. 

Rowan was silent, sitting on their knees and staring at where Switch had disappeared. Bones was running his fingers through his hair, his breath fast and shallow. Vanna coughed slightly, smoke billowing out of their mouth as they slowly sat down. 

“Uh… This seems bad,” Virgil said, carefully helping Vanna to the couch instead of the floor behind it. 

Patton wrapped an arm around Bones, taking his hands off his hair before he ripped it out. “What is going on, Rowan?” 

“I… I lost him… I lost… I lost my common sense and reason,” Rowan said quietly. 

“Rowan?” Thomas ask nervously. 

“I believe Rowan is having a small emotional crisis at losing something like their common sense, or “logic” in a way. We should likely be grateful that Harlow is not awake for this. Thomas, get Rowan to the couch. Patton, take Bones and go get some cider for each of them. We’ll calm them down before we go looking for Switch. Object impermanence should keep him safe, if there is an issue,” Logan said. 


	5. Spilling Tea Shorts Circuits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now for the one scene that I actually wrote this whole freaking fic for ahaha

When Switch finally was turned back on, the first thing that concerned him was that his clothes were highly disheveled. He conjured a simple black bowtie, then snapped to iron out the wrinkles on his shirt. “Oh, he’s no fun! I wanted him to just rip it off!” a voice whined. 

Switch glanced up at the tall, lanky man. “And your name is?” 

“Oh! Where are my manners. I’m The Duke! But you can call me Remus. Your name is Switch, right?” the man said. His outfit was rather fun and stylish, if a bit flashy. The black paired well with the green accents and purple eyeshadow. The many frills and the shoulder accessories lent an air of absurdity. Which seemed fitting for this man. 

Switch had learned to take notes from Vanna on what Rowan viewed as good fashion sense, and had taken to matching it himself. He snapped again, his shirt becoming a pastel yellow button down and his pants simple black slacks. “And the other? Where might he be?” Switch asked, more focused on checking what channels he could reach here. Wherever he was… 

“Oh, I’m far away,” a silky voice said. Switch turned his attention to the yellow and black clad side sitting at the table. There were two teacups on the table, along with a sippy cup that said “REMUS” in red… Paint. Yes. Paint. A teapot, sugars and creams, and a few plates of different pastries were laid out neatly on the table. 

He paused a moment, standing up and looking from himself to Deceit and back again. “Well. One of us is going to have to change,” Switch said, chuckling a bit. His laugh sounded like static, soft and fuzzy. 

“Oh, alright, if you insist…” Remus sighed, starting to pull off his pants. 

“Oh, absolutely, Remus. He was certainly referring to you and not at all to me. Please, don’t put your pants back on,” Deceit said, sarcasm dripping off his voice. 

Remus pouted as he pulled his pants back up and huffed in annoyance. “You’re no fun, Dee." 

Switch adjusted his rolled up shirt sleeves, a tune playing softly on his set. “Right. So. What is all this about?” he asked, grabbing a chair and spinning it around to straddle as he rested his arms on the top of the chair’s back. 

“Right to the chase. Patience, my friend! Let’s start with that word: friend. Would you care for some tea?” Deceit responded, picking up one of the two cups. 

Switch noticed that the one still on the table had yellow snakes . The one in Deceit’s hand had… Raven’s wings. Switch casually adjusted his sleeves to cover the runic half circle with a raven inside of it. But it was too late. “Oh, I do so love things I’m not supposed to see!” Remus crowed, ripping Switch’s sleeve up to expose the tattoo just below the crook of his elbow. 

Deceit raised an eyebrow, feigning innocence. “Oh, I see your Rowan is a fan of Odin’s ravens. Which one would that be, perchance?” he asked. 

Switch eyed Deceit carefully as the man poured the tea and handed it to him. His eyes held… Curiosity. Perhaps he played his cards close to the chest, but Switch had always adapted to read a poker face in every possible situation. This was not a malicious act. In fact, he likely only “kidnapped” Switch per Remus’ request. Remus sat down and grabbed the sippy cup, slurping loudly as he looked between Deceit and Switch. 

“Huginn. Thought. I’m the defense mechanism made to placate Rowan’s own anxiety, and they think of that as old-fashioned common sense. Therefore, they deemed me Thought,” Switch replied. He observed the teacup, then a laugh track played through his set. “Sadly, this looks quite wonderful. But I can’t really drink tea,” Switch said. “But I do appreciate it.” 

Deceit nodded and poured his own tea. He added two sugar cubes and stirred as he spoke. “So. You and I are exactly the same,” Deceit said. 

Switch watched his face as he spoke. This was a lie. It was a speech habit, of course; Deceit meant only to have a civil conversation. “Well, Dee - may I call you that?” Switch paused to look for a response. A curt nod was the only answer, so he continued. “See, Dee, we are similar. To be sure. I am made to protect Rowan, as I’m sure you also are to Thomas. How I actually function, however… Is different. A bit more subtle than your method. I’m Rowan’s comforting voice of reason. The soft voice that tells them to sleep when they are awake and crying at 3 AM. The gentle distraction from any harmful and… dangerous thoughts. The thing that suggests stopping an argument abruptly rather than continue out of a sense of duty,” he said. 

Deceit’s brow slowly furrowed in concern. Genuine concern. Switch continued, his static flickering red. “Which means that Rowan trusts me. When I tell them that it would be best if they neglect to share their troubling thoughts and emotions, they do it. When I suggested that accepting their gender identity would harm them in the long run, they prolonged dealing with it for years. When I tell them to pretend, or hide who they are for their own sake, or lie about themselves… They do it,” Switch said. His voice was soft and gentle, like a radio talk show host late at night. 

Now it was Deceit’s turn to watch. Switch was difficult to read, having no face. But all liars had a tell. Deceit observed from over the rim of his teacup, watching for movement. 

But there was none. This was as real and honest as anyone had ever been. Dee suddenly didn’t feel so bad about kidnapping this side. Switch turned to Remus, a warmth to his tone that, while genuine, felt almost too much. “So, Remus, right? Gotten into any trouble lately?” he asked. 


End file.
